Couples’ Counselling

Couples’ Counselling

What is couples’ counselling?

The purpose of couples’ counselling is to help the couple navigate their relationship more effectively in order to attain the contentment and happiness they desire.

This very often means helping them to improve and deepen their communication and to learn and use new tools for resolving conflict and negotiation of differences. Sometimes it will also mean becoming aware of behavioural issues brought forward from childhood which are affecting the present relationship.
The purpose of couples’ counselling is to help the couple navigate their relationship more effectively in order to attain the contentment and happiness they desire.

This very often means helping them to improve and deepen their communication and to learn and use new tools for resolving conflict and negotiation of differences. Sometimes it will also mean becoming aware of behavioural issues brought forward from childhood which are affecting the present relationship.

Most people seeking relationship counselling will either be married, in a long-term relationship, or be engaged to marry. Sometimes couples or individuals will want to explore their doubts and concerns before entering into marriage or a permanent commitment to each other.

Ideally the couple will decide to attend counselling together, although sometimes it is necessary during the counselling to see each person on their own for one or more sessions before bringing the couple back together.
Often, just one of the partners will decide to seek counselling on their own. In such cases a lot can still be achieved to bring about beneficial change. When one person changes the ways in which they relate to their partner, then the whole dynamic of the relationship can change. This can often bring about positive overall change.
During the counselling session, I gently assist the couple or individual to explore the problem issues and to work toward positive change.

Experience has shown that where a couple is willing to participate fully in the counselling process and to engage in the work towards change, then the outcome will almost always be positive.
Most people seeking relationship counselling will either be married, in a long-term relationship, or be engaged to marry. Sometimes couples or individuals will want to explore their doubts and concerns before entering into marriage or a permanent commitment to each other.

Ideally the couple will decide to attend counselling together, although sometimes it is necessary during the counselling to see each person on their own for one or more sessions before bringing the couple back together.

Often, just one of the partners will decide to seek counselling on their own. In such cases a lot can still be achieved to bring about beneficial change. 
When one person changes the ways in which they relate to their partner, then the whole dynamic of the relationship can change. This can often bring about positive overall change.

During the counselling session, I gently assist the couple or individual to explore the problem issues and to work toward positive change.

Experience has shown that where a couple is willing to participate fully in the counselling process and to engage in the work towards change, then the outcome will almost always be positive.

Why do couples seek counselling?

Couples seek counselling for a wide range of problems. Some common issues are:
  • Poor communication
  • Disillusionment
  • Dissatisfaction
  • Frequent arguments
  • Unfulfilled expectations
  • Loneliness
  • Infidelity
  • Roles in the relationship
  • Trust issues
  • Considering separation
  • Domestic violence
  • Attitude differences                 
  • Financial problems
  • Mental and emotional abuse
  • Cultural difficulties
  • Psychosexual problems
  • Faith issues
  • Sexual difficulties                      
  • Addiction problems
  • Family or friend issues
  • Singles lifestyle

What are typical presenting problems that motivate couples to seek couples’ counselling?

At some stage in life many people find themselves in unhappy relationships, but are unsure whether or not counselling would be helpful. Thinking can range from “Although things are not great, I hope it will get better” to “Our relationship is now so bad that there is no point in even trying counselling”.

It may be helpful to consider the following composite collection of some typical presenting problems which I have often heard.

(Please note, I use the term ‘partner’ for convenience. The word also means spouse, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée.)
  • “Our communication is becoming difficult. It is often negative, hostile, or antagonistic to each other. Our attempts at communication usually end up in arguments.”
  • “We have a lot of arguments and bickering, and issues do not get resolved.”
  • “We have been married for 10 years and on the surface, everything seems great, but we never really talk and I feel so lonely in this relationship.”
  • “Stress and tension in our relationship has reached a point where my partner left home for a period.”
  • “The tension is our home has become unbearable. I can only relax when my partner is out.”
  • “I love my partner but I’m not ‘in love’ with them.”
  • “We have been separated for a while. We are hoping it will be possible to get back together, but only if we can work things out.”
  • “I am becoming anxious, depressed and insecure about our relationship. My partner seems to be withdrawing from it.”
  • “My partner is never home and is still acting like a single person. I feel so frustrated that they won’t show any commitment and won’t even talk about it.”
  • “We have sexual problems and it is too difficult to resolve them. It is destroying us.”
  • “I found out that my partner is having an affair.”
  • “I’ve discovered that my partner has been lying to me. I just cannot trust them anymore.”
  • “My partner is just so mean. I cannot take it anymore.”
  • “We are staying together just for the children’s sake.”
  • “My partner suffered from depression for a long time but seems okay now. It’s taken a big toll on our relationship. Do you think counselling will help us?”
  • “We are unable to resolve family issues. We disagree about child rearing and our relationships with in-laws.”
  • “We can clearly see what our relationship problems are but we are stuck and unable to resolve our differences.”
  • “My partner takes out their feelings on me. They are just so angry and grumpy all the time. I’m fed up with it.”
  • “We are just sharing living quarters. We are no longer partners sharing a loving relationship together.”
It would be wrong to claim that counselling or therapy will resolve every problem, but experience shows that when a couple or individual engage sincerely and honestly with the process, then there is a reduction of distress and tension and an increase of joy and happiness in the relationship.

The importance of communication

Good communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, the relationship will become lifeless. Couples often enter into their relationship with very good communication and very much in love. What often happens however is that, unless the couple make efforts to continually nourish their relationship, their communication tends to become stale.

Life contains many distractions and all too often couples do not focus on the need to work together to deepen their communication. 

When the communication deteriorates it can become harder to recapture the love. Couples need to spend quality time together and use that time to build their communication for the health of their relationship.

Counselling will help the couple to examine their communication and explore and implement ways to improve it. Couples generally desire a loving harmonious relationship. If they are willing to make the effort then couple counselling can help them achieve it.

Couple conflict

When couples first meet, they often become aware that they have many differences. But because there are many other attractive things about each other their love grows. They tend to overlook their differences and enter into a more permanent relationship. 

Some people either think (or just hope) that their differences will not be a problem and often think that once they commit to each other, either through marriage or a long-term relationship, everything will be fine. However, all too often those differences become sources of disillusionment and unhappiness. It must be said however that many couples become aware of warning signs and develop their own ways of resolving conflict before their differences become a problem.
Differences can exist in many areas. Roles in the home, sexuality, behaviours, financial, attitudes, beliefs, values, needs and many other areas of difference. As time goes on these differences can become sources of irritation and lead to conflict.

One of the most common issues that emerges in relationship counselling is an inability to resolve conflict. No matter what the dispute is about, we tend to do the same things every time. We all have behaviour patterns which tend to come to the fore at times of conflict.

Some typical examples of how couples fight would be raised voices, angry gestures, blaming, not listening, withdrawing, walking away, sulking and a host of other tactics. These behaviour patterns are usually learned in childhood. We want to win the argument! The thing to remember is that in most cases, if one person wins, then very often the relationship loses. It does not have to be this way. 
The good news however is that these fighting patterns can be changed. It is possible for couples to negotiate their differences. In most cases there is a need for give and take and arrive at compromise. Skilled counselling can facilitate couples to deal with their areas of difference and negotiate how they can change or sometimes simply accept and live with those differences harmoniously in the future.

However, many couples will need to carefully examine what is happening when they fight and work out better ways that are right for them. Just as every person is unique so every couple is unique. Many couples need to develop their own guidelines or rules for resolving issues. What works for others may not work for you. Specific personalities and behaviour patterns have to be considered.

A counsellor skilled in conflict resolution can be of great assistance. In my many years’ experience of working with couples I have been able to help couples to effectively develop their own unique ways to resolve conflict. No matter what other problems exist, developing the ability to effectively discuss issues and resolve conflicts is a major step towards a successful outcome.

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To find out more about any of my counselling services, or to book an appointment, please contact me today.
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